Dorothy Parker – 30 Best Quotes



I admire quick wits and sharp intellects.

And in that rarefied world of minds who could cut deeply and poetically, few could hold a candle to author Dorothy Parker.

Parker received acclaim for her varied writing – from essays to poetry to short stories, and even received two Academy Award nominations for her screenplays, includint the original A Star Is Born.

While she died 50 years ago, many of her quotes still inspire me. They also serve as a beacon to others seeking to improve their verbal game.

Here, in no particular order, are some of my favorites:


“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”

“Brevity is the soul of lingerie.”

“Q: What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A: You can’t hear an enzyme.”

“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”


“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”

“Tell him I was too fucking busy– or vice versa.”

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.”

“This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”

“She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”



“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
After four I’m under my host.”


“Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well live.”

“All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.”

“Living well is the best revenge.”


“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”

“Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.”

“Four be the things I’d have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.”

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”

“Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.”

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”


“By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, undying.
Lady make note of this —
One of you is lying.”


“I hate writing, I love having written.”

“I’m not a writer with a drinking problem, I’m a drinker with a writing problem.”

“Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.”

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”


“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

“I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.”

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded

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